Blog
What has attachment got to do with it?
22/09/2023In therapy, we often encounter the idea of attachment when discussing relationships and our patterns of engagement in relationships. While attachment is not necessarily set in stone in infancy, we learn to respond to others and develop beliefs about how others engage with us pretty early in life, and continue to learn about this throughout our growing up years and in different relationships (parental, friendships, romantic relationships, etc.).
Attachment theory is a widely accepted theory in psychology that explains how early childhood experiences with caregivers shape our long-term relationships with others. As a result of these experiences, individuals develop different attachment styles, which can influence their thoughts, feelings, and behaviours in relationships.
Avoidant attachment is characterised by a fear of intimacy and a tendency to distance oneself from others. This attachment style often develops as a result of a lack of responsiveness or emotional availability from caregivers during early childhood. Individuals with avoidant attachment styles may have difficulty trusting others and often prefer to be self-reliant, which can lead to a reluctance to form close relationships. They may also have a negative view of themselves and others, and often feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness.
An example of avoidant attachment in an adult relationship might be a partner who is emotionally distant and reluctant to share personal information. They may not want to engage in physical displays of affection or may prioritise their independence over the needs and desires of their partner. They may also avoid confrontation or difficult conversations, preferring instead to distance themselves or shut down emotionally.
On the other hand, anxious attachment is characterised by a fear of abandonment and a tendency to cling to others. This attachment style often develops as a result of inconsistent or unreliable responses from caregivers during early childhood. Individuals with anxious attachment styles may have difficulty regulating their emotions and often feel a sense of anxiety and insecurity in relationships. They may have a negative view of themselves and a positive view of others, and often seek reassurance and validation from their partners.
An example of anxious attachment in an adult relationship might be a partner who is constantly seeking attention and reassurance from their partner. They may have difficulty trusting their partner and may interpret small changes in their partner's behaviour as signs of rejection or abandonment. They may also become easily overwhelmed by their emotions and struggle to regulate their own emotional responses.
It is important to note that attachment styles are not fixed and can change over time, particularly with intentional effort and therapy. Additionally, it is not uncommon for individuals to have a combination of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles, which can lead to further challenges in relationships. Understanding one's own attachment style and that of their partner can be helpful in improving communication and building stronger, healthier relationships.